10 Cringeworthy Pickup Lines That You Should Never, Ever Use

People continue to use terrible pickup lines even though the English language provides a wealth of material from which to draw inspiration.

I think many individuals tell their closest friends embarrassingly poor pickup lines as a joke. I certainly feel that way. Although I could be incorrect, I find that most people are too shy to utilize one of these pickup lines in a real social situation. To put it simply, that is not a good plan.

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Listen, guys, as your friend *yes, we’re all pals here*, I’m telling you the actual truth: These pickup lines are like a train accident waiting to happen. There is no way they could be effective. I bow to you as a god if you can make them function.

On Tinder, a guy once sent me a long message—about 300 words—for our very first exchange.

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There was a long, detailed note on how we should sleep together to prevent a meeting for coffee, falling in love, getting married, having children, and then getting divorced in a chaotic manner that would leave the children heartbroken and one of us without access to the family dog. That’s right; he went to all that trouble only to beg me to sleep with him.

Just so we’re clear, that discussion led nowhere. I told him he had done a good job and continued on my way. I must give him props for making me laugh out loud. I’m not stupid; therefore, I know this guy probably sent the same message to all his opponents in the bouts. This is not a message he penned for me. There’s nothing particularly unique about me. I can promise that it worked on a handful of other girls, and I genuinely don’t blame them at all.

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It wasn’t simply a typical “hello” or an awful pickup line; it was creative, and I’m sure it made many people feel unique. It was funny! It kept my attention for as long as I was reading it (which was a long time, given the length of the message), and I still talk about it often. Make a name for yourself as that person. Don’t ruin your chance at success by using one of these terrible pickup lines.

Unless you mean for that to happen. Why not use the worst pickup line possible to blow their minds completely? Interesting. In all honesty, that has a chance of working.

Avoid using these terrible pickup lines at all costs.

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Whatever your reasons may be, I’ve done the legwork. I’ve searched the furthest reaches of space and time to bring you these hilariously awful pickup phrases. Do you feel like puking yet? In a word, yes, I am cool. Duh, it means “to throw up.” Guys, it’s time to modernize.

1. What about milk? In any case, it was probably beneficial to your health. 

The ugliest, you filthy.

2. I can’t sleep without my teddy bear; can you replace it? 

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Something completely strange? And why the hell are you sleeping with a teddy bear, anyway?

3. You got dope genes, so your pops must be a drug dealer. 

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It’s hilarious; I can’t even. And no, he’s an accountant by trade.

4. Are you Google? Because you are the answer to all my questions. 

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Okay, I’m not convinced. A more effective pickup line might be found by searching the internet.

5. Was your mum a beaver, because damn! 

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*Crickets*.

6. Please don’t hesitate to touch my hand if you want to. I want to tell my pals I was touched by an angel. 

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I mean, come on.

7. You would be Optimus Fine if you were a transformer. 

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The error is mine; your pickup lines are terrible, and if I were a transformer, I would use them to destroy you.

8. I’m wondering if you’re on Wi-Fi, pretty lady. For the simple reason that we’re linked. 

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Router is unplugged. I’m afraid that won’t work, sir.

9. I’m here; therefore it’s good. If you could make another wish, what would it be? 

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Honestly, it would be great if you left. I appreciate your curiosity.

10. Is your level of freedom tonight anywhere between one and the United States of America? 

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I need to go to the bathroom and throw up.

Never use any of these terrible pickup lines. We’re friends now, right? I’ve met you. Your pickup lines can be flawless and effective. This bunch? Oh, no, sweetheart.

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