Why do you always choose the same kind of person to date? Attachment styles and their influence on your relationship might explain this pattern. Getting to know how you attach helps you make better choices in dating.
Most of us think that how we choose a partner is based on how well we get along with them and how attractive they are. This isn’t wrong. These things also play a role in who we choose to be with. But our attachment styles are also a big part of the picture.
Attachment patterns are formed in us as children. They show how we act in relationships and what we do when we’re hurt, scared, or feel like we’re being left behind. You might have thought that how you get along with your parents doesn’t matter for your future relationships, but it does.
What Each of The Four Attachment Styles Means
This may sound a little too scientific, but a child’s social and emotional growth is helped by the relationships he or she has with their caregivers. Now, these attachment styles can be different for different people because we are all different, grew up in different places, and dealt with our emotions in different ways.
There are only four attachment styles, so if you start to figure out your own, you’ll be able to see how it affects your relationship and what you need to do to change it. Who knew relationships could be so complicated?
1. Secure Attachment.
Adults in this group are happier in their relationships when they feel they have a secure attachment. If you have a secure attachment as a child, you see your parent as a safe place to be. You can go out and see the world on your own. So, as you get older and become an adult, you are more likely to pass on these good habits to your partner. You feel safe and connected with them, which gives you a safe space to try new things with your partner.
When a person with a secure attachment is in a healthy relationship, they help their partners out when they’re stressed. Also, if they are feeling stressed out, they will look to their partner for support and comfort.
Because both people feel safe and independent, these relationships tend to be open, fair, and honest. People who have secure attachments have relationships that are healthy and safe.
2. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment.
This kind of attachment isn’t at all like Secure Attachment. People who have Secure Attachment tend to be anxious in relationships and make up a bond between them. A fantasy bond is a trick that makes you think you are safe when, in reality, you are not.
You do everything that shows love, but you don’t put your heart into the relationship. This isn’t very healthy. You don’t feel satisfied by love; instead, you feel more desperate for it. Because of this, you’ll be seen as more clingy, and your partner will push you away as a result.
So, most of the time, people with this kind of attachment seem insecure and desperate, but the truth is that they’re just scared. You don’t know how your partner feels about you, making you feel unsafe in your relationship. For example, you might think your partner is cheating on you if you don’t hear from them for a few hours.
3. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment.
Now, this is also the opposite of Anxious Preoccupied Attachment in that you aren’t desperate to connect with your partner but instead feel emotionally distant from them. So, instead of focusing on your partner, you focus on yourself, which usually makes you seem cold and self-centered. Those who identify with this attachment style are often solitary and mistake their independence for strength.
You tend to live a more private and internal life, rejecting the love of others and making it hard for them to get close to you emotionally. These people are very good at keeping their feelings in check, even when things are getting heated.
I dated a guy with this attachment style, and when I talked about how I felt, he would just say, “So?” So, no matter how the other person tries to connect or act, the emotional wall goes up.
4. Fearful Avoidant Attachment.
You’re afraid to be with someone and afraid to be by yourself. Basically, you’re afraid of both being close and being far away. But this is not easy. You want to show your feelings and push them away at the same time.
Though, people with Fearful Avoidant Attachment can’t turn off their feelings. So, they end up being too much for them, and they freak out. When they find out what happens, they may lose their temper. They want to feel connected emotionally, but they don’t want to get hurt. Most of the time, they don’t have a plan for what to do when this happens.
As adults, they end up in relationships that are bad for them and full of drama. They could be in a Turkish drama for all they know. They’re afraid that this person will leave them, and it’s hard for them to get close to them. So, it seems that timing is always a problem. You and your partner are always a little off.
Your style of attachment is not set in stone.
If you read about the four styles of attachment, you might be worried about the one you most relate to. Just because you have Fearful Avoidant Attachment doesn’t mean you’ll always have it.
In fact, you can change the way you attach to other people. First, you need to figure out your style. Now that you know, it’s time to face your emotional problems and work toward a secure attachment that you’ve earned.
Talk about it with your partner.
If you have a partner, you should talk to them about this. They’ll be there for you and help you get through it. Now, if you’re not in a relationship, whether you have a secure attachment or not, try to find people who do. You need a chance to build a healthy relationship with someone who is already stable.
Now that you know what the four styles of attachment are, which one are you? Don’t worry, you can make good changes now that you know.
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