The first date is the most important of the three dates for psychological reasons. The psychological “primary effect” determines the overall impression of you, assesses your suitability, and even determines whether to give you a second and third date.
So today, we will talk about how to deal with the details of the first date systematically and give your date a good start.
1. Make your “buyer show” not too far off, avoid inconsistency
Many online dating started because of the beautiful profile photo and died when they met in person and realized not even his/her mother would recognize his/her self-portrait.
There is a fundamental concept hidden behind it: inconsistency.
Here, I want to emphasize again the model promoted by many so-called “relationship consultants”: the first time you meet, you can hold hands, hug and kiss at one time. Don’t take it seriously. This model is not simply dating.
Always remember that our first date only needs to accomplish one thing to be successful: build a sense of security and maintain consistency.
Social media and online sites often exaggerate the side that we show and our unconscious descriptions. After all, you may brag about anything online, but if you brag too much, it can easily lead to the other party’s psychological expectations of you being too high. This may cause the feeling of disappointment caused by the break of consistency after the first day. It is often called “death at first sight”.
And the way to solve this problem is very simple: reduce the other party’s psychological expectations
People are not stupid, knowing that they might be a bit ruthless in retouching pictures, so they always tell each other before meeting up: Don’t believe the profile photo. I don’t want to scare you.
They are saying this to lower the other’s psychological expectations, but in fact, it is usually useless.
The reason is simple:
For one, the formation of psychological expectations is a gradual process, not overnight;
And for two, A single claim like this regarding the expectation is minimal to the other person’s expectations.
To put it bluntly: You look like a pirate but the girl thinks you are a model from the profile picture, then even if you say the picture is lying and you are cheating, she will still feel you are at least above average. They will never expect to meet someone so much different from the amazing photo.
Therefore, we need to weaken the psychological expectations bit by bit, and indirectly tell the other party: I am sorry that my hands trembled last time when I edited the picture.
For example, you may accidentally send a careless sentence: “Oh, I have stayed up late recently, now my face is full of acne”; or suddenly release a photo with the caption: my friend sneaked a photo of me! Unbelievable!
In this approach, first, let the other party realize that: this person is not as good-looking as in the profile photo; second (very important!): But he may not be that ugly, you see, although his face is a little bit disappointing, he is not unacceptable.
Vaccinate the other party, and give her psychological expectations a step-down.
2. Don’t let the embarrassing atmosphere superimpose-how should you break the ice when dealing with the cold field
Any problem of dating embarrassment, in essence, can be solved with a core idea- if you are afraid of cold spots, you can warm it up.
If we think about it carefully, we will find that we have met people countless times, and every time we meet there is a risk of embarrassment and coldness. Still, there will always be someone who can successfully resolve these, making you feel very natural-theirs.
There are nothing more than two methods:
1. Improper 2. Take the initiative to find a topic
What do you mean? Let’s talk about impropriety first- embarrassment can be contagious and superimposed. You are embarrassed, then the other party is embarrassed. When you find that each other is embarrassed, you will become more embarrassed. Therefore, the first thing to solve the embarrassment is to show a relaxed attitude and lead the other party to gradually relax their emotions.
Here is an almost brainless ice-breaking model:
Ask simple questions + cut into your information
For example, “Was the traffic very bad today?” (Don’t tell me that you can get stuck and forget to ask)-the other party responds to your question, no matter what the other party says, directly cut into your message-“You know, the xxx street is horrible today. Wait until the evening rush hour! My God, can you believe me that I was on a 1-mile street for half an hour!?”
For example, “have you had time to eat?” -the other party responds to your question, no matter what the other party says, directly cut into your message-“I remember that you said that you love to eat XXX. I also went to check it out that day. The environment is very good. I look at the environment more when I eat, it was pretty nice and quiet. If the people around you are noisy, you also feel upset that you can’t enjoy, right?”
You see, talking about one’s affairs is much better than trying to find a topic forcibly.
Next, let’s look at the advanced option – catching keywords and chatting.
Grasp even the shortest vocabulary in the other party’s words, constantly switch and expand topics, and give the other party enough subjects to answer the conversation in the reply——
A: “Did you have time to eat?”
B: “Hmm, not yet.”
A: ” I remember that you said that you love to eat XXX. I also went to check it out that day. The environment is very good. I look at the environment more when I eat, it was pretty nice and quiet. If the people around you are noisy, you also feel upset that you can’t enjoy, right?” (the other party’s hobbies + your thoughts)
B: “You went there?” (meaning behind: that was thoughtful, or intentional)
A: “Yeah, I tried to understand what you like. Pet shops, popular restaurants, I have even tried the xxx. I guess I might be as good as you now… I tried that day and I scored high” (Keywords: pet shop, a popular restaurant, games)
Suppose she is interested in the first three. In that case, she will continue to ask, and generally, if she is stubborn, you will show her the photos on your phone and then start to talk about how timid you were when you were a child. “I dare not sleep alone”, how hard it took your parents to make you compromise the fun of sharing the same bed with the dolls… etc. You see, the key is to cut through your childhood experiences directly.
3. Let the other party want to date you for the second time-how to whet your appetite and let the other party be interested in you
“Let the other person be interested in you and want to date you a second time” requires you to be able to complete two tasks :
1. You have to make sure that this date is enjoyable
2. You have to leave a slight regret for the other party to make up for next time
And a pleasant dating atmosphere is made up of these factors:
The surrounding environment: you can check the general information on the public comment; I don’t need to repeat the perfect personal performance, just remind you: the attitude towards the waiter also reflects your personality; Talk about what active interaction is.
We have said in the past that you should not go into too many personal details before you meet, but you can go a bit deeper while you meet in person. Because this person is willing to go out on a date with you, indicating that she is less guarded now.
The American psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron designed an experiment in the article “The Generation of Interpersonal Intimacy: Experimental Procedures and Some Initial Findings”: He asked strangers who participated in the experiment to sit together in groups for 45 minutes. Inside, ask them to ask each other and answer 36 questions. After answering, let them stare at each other for 4 minutes. Finally, through the questionnaire, the participants in the experiment were asked to understand the intimacy of the two parties to each other and conducted a follow-up survey.
The results of the experiment found: 30% of the people who participated in the experiment, after talking about 36 questions, said that their relationship with the people who participated in the experiment has exceeded any period of their life with other people; after some time, 37% The experimenters sat together during class; and 35% of the experimenters started dating after the question and answer. There was also a pair of experimenters who got married after six months. They invited all those who participated in the experiment to attend their wedding.
For these 36 questions, due to space reasons, I can only release some fragments. For the full version, you can read this column of mine.
We can use the clips to understand why these 36 stories have such magical powers. There is no need to copy the questions, but you can refer to the four levels involved in your communication:
The first layer: personal interests, hobbies, etc.
If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would you choose?
What is the perfect day in your heart to do?
The second layer: personal attitude
What do you cherish most in a friendship?
What is the place of love and liking in your life?
The third layer: self-interpersonal relationship and self-evaluation;
What do you think of your relationship with your mother?
Is your family close and warm? Do you think your childhood was happier than others?
The fourth level: (also the highest level) is mainly related to personal privacy, thoughts, and behaviors that are not accepted by society, etc.
If you were to die tonight without any chance to communicate with others, what would you regret not telling others?
Share a private question of yours, ask the person what will he do if it was him. What is his opinion on your choice of this question?
After each communication, when the other party finishes talking about his point, you can add your point, increase your understanding of the other party, and slowly build up a sense of security and familiarity.
For the communication to establish contact, there must be “collusion”. Just give two examples:
“You like to cook, I would like an opportunity to invite you to try my cooking, or I will call you next time at a party. Let’s bring food together.”
“I have always wanted to work out, but I have no workout partner. Can you take me to the gym you often go to to get a feel for the environment?”
In this way, the topics between you are related to each other, and the related topics will most likely become an excuse for the next date.
Next, let’s talk about the operation of leaving regrets. Generally speaking, we are used to doing everything perfectly. We don’t go wrong in chatting. We have to do it all at once when we are dating. But in fact, I will ask people. Do the opposite: I want you to leave when you are interestingly chatting; I want you to end the conversation when your interest is strong while dating.
You could continue to talk, but you went to work or workout; You could go to the movies after dinner, and you can take her home after the date, but instead, you said it’s too late, let’s talk about it next time, and gently finished the date.
The reason for this is that there is a psychological phenomenon: the Zeignik effect.
The Zeigarnik effect (Zeigarnik effect; also known as the Zeigarnik effect) is a kind of memory effect, which means that people are more impressed with things that have not been processed or completed.
The interest was strong, but it stopped abruptly. This state of not being addictive is just like the three hours of watching TV every weekend when you were a child-every time your parents take you away from the TV, you feel uncomfortable: I Never watched it! I still want to see it! What happened to the big devil in the end?
The inadvertent departure, the faint “Let’s talk about it again”, just like the childhood “I want to know what is going on and listen to the next time to disassemble”, let her dream about it, and can’t help but want to date you again.
Look, the first date was just like this, and completed the great mission of building a sense of security and interest and transitioning to the second date.