Is the friend with benefits you’re sleeping with inexperienced? Here are some essential lessons to remember when you have your first-time FWB companion. If you’ve never done it before, being “friends with benefits” can be awkward. While there is certainly an element of fun, there are also inherent dangers. You are putting more than your physical safety in danger.
You are risking your emotional well-being as well. And it’s not just the heart that’s at risk; genital diseases are another risk when you engage in casual sex. This is why preparation and awareness of expectations are so crucial. It’s not a good idea to go into it without any preparation, or you could suffer more than just a blow to your pride.
Meeting someone who is interested in casual sex but has never had it before puts you in the role of sexual adviser whether you like it or not. This means that, depending on the specifics of your situation, you will impart both positive and negative lessons to them. It’s possible that you could end yourself sharing your bed with someone you’ve just met, such as an old friend, a coworker, a classmate, or even a stranger.
Nothing about your relationship with this person will remain the same once you’ve been in each other’s pants. You have been there, done that, so have the grace to tell them how it is and isn’t.
You did not expect to be here. But it is just what you can expect.
When it comes to sexuality, am I expected to instruct them?
It depends on how pressing the matter at hand is. It’s possible that some people who are first-time FWBs have been sleeping together for years before you two even met. Don’t act like this is your chance to play Madame Vandersexxx or Christian Grey; I’m sure there’s something you don’t know that they do.
When two people are in a sexually-focused relationship, it’s natural for them to express their desires to one another. If they already know how to make you happy, there’s no need to instruct them, but it is helpful to share your past accomplishments and future goals. Who can say? They could teach you something new as well.
Tips for having a meaningful conversation about FWB relationship specifics:
Some gentle guidance on how to broach the topic of enforcing rules and regulations around this casual connection is provided below if doing so makes you feel uneasy.
The key is to maintain a relaxed atmosphere. Forget about the traditional roles of instructor and pupil. Just approach it as if you were counseling a close friend.
Don’t give everyone the details at once. If you develop the conversation into a full-fledged seminar, your partner may become disinterested in having sexual relations with you. Do so when the moment is right, but don’t let it sit for months.
The gist of the matter. Before making love, it’s smart to discuss topics like birth control, sex history, and commitment. You can’t even begin the relationship until you’ve settled on certain ground rules for how you’ll handle the physical parts of being together.
Develop an FWB integrity code. Recognize the danger of making assumptions in your relationship and commit to being open and honest with one another. You don’t have to be entirely frank about your private lives, but you should share romantic feelings and sleeping arrangements.
So, what do you need to instruct your new FWB?
Here is a sample agenda for a first date with a potential FWB, just to get you thinking:
The annals of sexual past. There’s no need to reveal specifics about who each of you has slept with, but it is polite to share some information about your year’s activities.
See a doctor. Verify your sexual health if you have doubts about this person’s trustworthiness. Stop being so self-conscious. Get over it, since you two are about to engage in a great deal of sexual activity.
Birth control. It may be enticing to jump in, but you should examine the pros and cons of not using birth control *in case medicine is needed*. Pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections are serious issues. It’s better to have 90% coverage than none at all, so if you and your partner are on the fence about using something for safety, just remember that.
Conditions of exclusivity. The first thing you must do is decide if you plan to engage in regular cohabitation when it comes to sleeping arrangements. By agreeing to sleep with each other only and promising to keep each other apprised of any changes, you and your partner can enjoy the benefits of this arrangement.
Honesty and openness regarding your motivations are highly encouraged. Some people enter FWB relationships with the wish that their companion will eventually feel romantically attracted to them. Be extremely clear if it is not your thing.
Responsibilities and assigned roles. You two should focus on getting off as much as possible. If it continues past that point, it may become inappropriate for the two of you. Big no-nos include showing affection through gift-giving, frequent outings, and emotional availability. Always keep in mind that YOU ARE NOT DATING.
Breakups. Since no one ever actually breaks up with an FWB on a formal basis, the guidelines for doing so are murky at best. It’s as if lovers simply cease sleeping together and drift apart. Talking things over with your spouse might help you say your goodbyes in a way that covers all your bases.
You should not feel bad about being the one to set limits for your FWB. They will be eternally grateful to you for instructing them on how to be a respectful and considerate P&B.