As a relationship counselor who has been someone’s backup, I would like to share with you these emotional rules that have been summarized in many healthy relationships between myself and others over the years.
1. Women are not pursued but attracted (the same is true for men)
Once I liked a girl, I was conceited and inferior: conceited of my enthusiasm and inferiority of not knowing how to approach her. So I chose the easiest way I could think of: giving unconditionally.
When it was cold, I gave her warmth; When she was ill, I take her to the doctor and delivered her medicine; When she was hungry, I immediately showed up by her doorstep with food delivery. I prepared a bouquet of roses on the 14th of every month. After all this giving, I heard the classic “I appreciate it very much, but we are only friends” from the girl.
It does not mean that giving is meaningless, but that giving without attraction is pointless. A woman/man will not choose to be with someone simply because of “being good to her/him”, showing that this skill must win the other person. Use under the condition of approval, the most worthless thing in the world is sincerity under the premise of no value.
For example, when you go to find a job, you tell the interviewer, “Although I don’t meet the requirements of the position and I don’t have any work experience, I am sincere about this job. Can you give me a chance?”
Do you guess you will be accepted?
2. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
Men’s and women’s thinking circuits are different. Generally speaking, men are more inclined to rational thinking, and they are more logical in handling things and focusing on goals.
Women are more inclined to perceptual thinking, are more accustomed to focusing on feelings when facing things, and living in the present.
Therefore, in many cases, poor communication between men and women is not because one party is ignorant but because of language barriers.
Men like to turn on the “cave mechanism” when they encounter distress, that is, to be alone and quietly digest the troubles; women tend to actively communicate and try to open up the man’s heart in order to express concern.
The man thinks: I should deal with my emotions before communicating with her, so he will reject communication with his subconscious mind and say something like, “You let me be quiet for a while”.
Women think: To relieve emotions should be through communication; I care about you before trying to approach you, why did you push me away? You must not love me.
At this time, the two parties had different judgment mechanisms for handling the same issue, which led to a disagreement.
3. When chatting, don’t always try to “solve problems.”
Similarly, as in the previous one, men like to solve problems while women like to share their feelings when in conversation. This directly leads to miscommunication.
Girl: It’s raining today; it’s so cold.
Boy: Put on a jacket.
Girl: Working overtime today, I’m so tired.
Boy: Take some rest.
Girl: I’m not feeling well today
Boys: Drink plenty of hot water
The girl is not asking you questions for solutions, she is just sharing her current feelings, so the correct way of responding is to express an understanding of the emotions and give feedback.
Girl: Working overtime today, I’m so tired.
Boy: Oh, if I were your leader, I couldn’t bear to let such a cute girl stay up late and work overtime; it would be inhumane.
4. No one has an obligation to discover your beautiful inner self through your sloppy appearance in this day and time.
It’s essential to learn to brush up on yourself. Sometimes it’s not your slightly ordinary appearance that makes your image drastically reduced. It’s your greasy hair, crumpled shirts, jeans that haven’t washed in a few days, and hairy nose that are.
You may not look handsome, but you must keep it clean and tidy. It is not only your image but also conveys the state of your life.
Also, IT guys, change to winter jackets and switch your summer plaid shirts or T-shirts full of various weird patterns. It’s not like you can’t afford it. Find a good female friend to help you match them well. Your whole personal image will be temperament.
5. The unavailable one is always in turmoil, and the one in favor is always confident.
I know you love him/her very much, but remember, he/she is not the center of your life. Let him know that you have your own career and life besides him.
When you feel that more than half of your time revolves around a woman or man, you are not far from losing him.
6. The reason for breaking up is the result, not the cause
If someone broke up with you, it’s not because the last thing you did was horribly wrong, that was just the last straw that killed the camel. It’s that you’ve done many things that wrong before. Breaking up is the accumulation of resentment and dissatisfaction.
The notebook in her mind records your shortcomings. So if you try to change, what you have to do is not to repeatedly explain that you did not do the last thing wrong. Instead, think about what those accumulated points are.
7. Confession is a banner to declare victory, not a clarion call to charge
The confession is used to make up for the promise after you and the girl mutually think that you should move forward with the relationship.
It’s not about trying to start a relationship when you are not sure about the girl’s thoughts.
Many boys have not figured this out, and the confession immediately causes the end of the relationship.
8. Sexual life is a nuclear weapon that maintains emotional harmony.
Excellent and comfortable sex life is one of the most critical tools for couples to maintain an intimate relationship.
Because of the trivial things the two got along with, often it is not a conflict based on facts but a conflict based on emotions. So a harmonious sex life can make the two always in a happy state when they get along; it also avoids some detail conflicts to the greatest extent.
So if you can learn some techniques to please each other during sex, it will be a plus for your long-term relationship.
9. Proper right is not an outdated concept
If you want to develop a long-term stable relationship, try to avoid a relationship with someone in much higher or much lower life status.
The relative matching of the two people’s conditions is conducive to a more stable and lasting relationship.
If there is a mismatch between the two parties’ values, all kinds of accidents are prone to occur.
(This is not to say that the net value or wealthy status of the two must be completely matched, but to choose within the scope of their suitability and have a greater grasp)
10. Men should take the initiative to further their relationship
Don’t ask girls, “Can I hold your hand” or “Can I kiss you?”.
Even if she is full of expectations in her heart, she may refuse your request because of her shyness and restraint, causing embarrassment on both sides.
If you want to hold her hand, then when you cross the road, take advantage of the rush of traffic, grab her wrist and give it a try. If she accepts it, pull the wrist to the small hand.
If you want to kiss her, choose a private space with an ambiguous atmosphere, look straight into her eyes for 3 seconds. If she doesn’t dodge, congratulations, you can kiss her now.
11. Don’t repeatedly explain after making a mistake
When you make a mistake that made the other person angry, it is enough to explain the reason once, not repeatedly.
Because when you are repeatedly explaining, you send the message: I was not wrong, you blamed me.
Explaining the reason, acknowledging your improprieties, and avoiding such mistakes in the future is the right way.
12. Women hate men who have no opinion
When on a date, make an appointment with the other person and say: Where shall we go later.
When eating, push the menu: Order what you like, I’m fine either way.
The most terrible thing is when encountering contradictions and conflicts in life (the most typical is the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law), out of the battlefield, he is unwilling to assume his responsibilities.
Women are unwilling to bear this; when they see a man acting like this, they will drastically reduce their positive view of the man.
13. Stop the loss when necessary
Don’t be a spare tire, don’t be a spare tire, don’t be a spare tire; I’m saying the important things three times
If in a relationship, one party will only ask forgiving but never gives; only talk about rights, not obligations; take your kindness to your obligation. If so, let this person leave your life, no matter how much you like him/her.
Because if this continues, you will lose yourself.
14. Regarding whether two people should be similar or complementary together
My answer is: your view of life is similar but the personalities complement each other
If you want more advice, you can read about the “26 Pieces of Advice to Men in a Relationship”.