Through my experiences working with couples, I’ve repeatedly witnessed the ripple effect of the impact of negative interactions on intimate partnerships. This damaging aftermath that critique can unleash on a romantic bond is profound. Thus, this write-up aims to delve into the wisdom imparted by my top three relationship experts, uncovering their views on criticism and its effects on amorous connections.
Drs. John & Julie Gottman’s Perspectives
No one has studied the repercussions of criticism on relationships more thoroughly than Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Renowned for their “Love Lab,” the Gottmans have evaluated, questioned, and observed hundreds of couples over twenty years. With an impressive 90% accuracy, they have the ability to predict a couple’s future – whether they’ll remain united or part ways, within mere minutes.
They crafted a metaphor to outline four communication patterns that can forecast a relationship’s demise. Dubbed “The Four Horsemen,” this term was inspired by the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, symbolizing the end of days.
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
This piece will concentrate primarily on the initial two horsemen.
There’s a distinction between criticizing your partner and providing critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two deal with specific issues, while criticism involves an assault on your partner’s very essence.
For instance, a complaint could be: “It’s been ages since our last vacation together! I’m fed up with our constant money worries!” This statement identifies a particular concern for one partner.
On the other hand, a criticism could look like this: “You never wish to invest in us! You’re the reason we can’t take trips together, always spending our money on pointless things!” This is a direct assault on the partner’s character, likely putting them on the defensive and escalating tension.
The primary issue with criticism is that it paves the way for the most damaging of the horsemen — contempt.
Contempt involves viewing your partner negatively without considering their perspective. It usually arises from a sense of superiority and can convey a lack of appreciation, understanding, or respect for the other person. This does little to foster a secure and trusting bond in a relationship. When parents exemplify this negative form of bonding, it can cause significant anxiety and insecurity in their children.
According to Dr. Gottman’s research, treating your partner with contempt is the most reliable indicator of impending divorce. It is indeed the most destructive of the four communication styles.
Insights from Stan Tatkin
Stan Tatkin, the creator of a psychobiological approach to couples therapy (PACT), is another renowned clinical expert and researcher on couples. He extensively discusses how the brain is predisposed for both conflict and love. Still, he emphasizes that our brains may not be necessarily well-equipped for love:
“The brain is primarily wired for conflict rather than love. Its main objective is to ensure our survival as individuals and as a species, and it excels at this.” (1)
Tatkin underscores the need for couples to cultivate the “couple bubble” to counter this conflict tendency. This term refers to the intimate sphere of the relationship, a safe haven where each partner reassures the other of their unwavering support, concern, and protection under stress or duress. Relationships that successfully maintain a “couple bubble” will flourish.
Constant criticism and contempt place a couple in conflict with each other, which is contrary to the couple bubble. Wise partners who wish to build a robust and content relationship should strive to preserve and strengthen their couple bubble.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT is a therapeutic model developed by Sue Johnson, whom Dr. Gottman has praised as “the best couples therapist in the world.” Here, criticism is part of the “negative cycle,” an interaction pattern between two individuals that can cause considerable distance and disconnect in a relationship if left unaddressed.
In the EFT approach, the aim is to identify and address the emotion fueling the criticism. Uncovering these underlying feelings is vital to breaking the negative cycle. The goal is to reach the softer, more vulnerable emotions beneath the destructive cycle.
In Tatkin’s words, the goal is to tap into the loving brain beneath the conflict-prone brain. To uncover the sensitive emotions beneath these heated arguments, it’s crucial to create an environment safe for emotional exploration. At the onset, this usually involves much of my work with couples: creating a safe emotional space to explore the feelings fueling their reactive and negative cycles. Identifying these more tender and vulnerable feelings is the first step out of the negative cycle.
A Case Study: George and Beth
One of the couples I worked with, George and Beth, were drained from their perpetual, cyclical arguments. Their negative cycle looked something like this: George would criticize, and Beth would become defensive. Then, to make his point, George would increase his criticism, which only made Beth more defensive. This endless cycle was their unhappy merry-go-round.
The turning point in their negative cycle came when George started to acknowledge his feelings before he began criticizing. He perceived Beth as always being busy and felt neglected, which was hurtful. Instead of expressing his longing for more quality time with Beth, he would barrage her with criticisms, gaining her attention but negatively.
Regrettably, this was exactly what his parents had taught him. When Beth saw the hurt underneath George’s critical attacks, she reassured him of her love for him. Feeling secure in Beth’s love, George became less critical and more effective at expressing his needs. The couple was well on their way to repairing their relationship and establishing a strong couple bubble.
All relationships experience some conflict and disappointments. This is normal and even healthy. It’s not the conflicts and disappointments themselves that can destroy a relationship, but rather how the couple handles them that truly matters.
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